So, I believe that you will need to make a decision. You are going to need to come to God daily and ask him to fill you. You will “pant for him as a deer pants for water”. (psalm 42:1) Devote yourself to the study of his word and to prayer so he can heal you.
Right now, we long for other things, especially our addictions. Even as we go about our work, our parenting, even church, our adulterous hearts betray us and long to steal away to indulge in the very thing that destroys us.
It’s ok. Come as you are. Let him work a miracle in your life.
Start a prayer journal. Write these scriptures in it as a starting place of prayer and insert your own name into the verses, praying them over yourself.
Luke 24:46 “Lord, open my mind so that I can understand the scriptures.”
Mark 4, Luke 8 and Matthew 13: “Lord, make my heart fertile soil. Help me to hear your word daily, understand it, accept it, and produce a crop by persevering that yields more than a hundred times what was sown.”
Dallas Willard writes in his book “The Divine Conspiracy” about Christ’s invitation to live our lives for his Kingdom:
The major problem with the invitation now is precisely overfamiliarity. Familiarity breeds unfamiliarity-unsuspected unfamiliarity, and then contempt. People think they have heard the invitation. They think they have accepted it-or rejected it. But they have not. The difficulty today is to hear it at all. Genius, it is said, is the ability to scrutinize the obvious. (p. 11)
Your part it to come to him (over and over again) and let him do his part, open your eyes to the truth of the gospel (the pearl of great price).