Seventeen years ago, on my wedding day, my mother in law gave me a locket shaped like a heart and told me that she wanted to be a mother to me since my own parents were gone. I have not been able to take the emotional leap into a truly intimate relationship with her or with any of my other in laws.
The lack of intimacy in my life is really pretty astounding. I also have two older siblings who are devout Catholics and wonderful people that I rarely interact with. I have built elaborate excuses to avoid intimacy, preferring isolation over engagement. Some of my excuses include busyness, criticisms of the other person, lack of shared interests, or my naturally introverted temperament.
As I have been walking with the Lord towards holiness and wholeness (Ephesians 1:4), this issue has been brought to the surface. The Holy Spirit can be so gentle and yet so firm, addressing the sin while gently probing below the surface to the wounding that caused it. I am so grateful for his presence in my heart.
I actually believe that the human heart, given time, can be amazingly resilient from even the deepest of trauma, if it weren’t for the antagonism of the enemy. When we make agreements with evil spirits, we give them permission to color our lives (see “partnering in my own healing”).
There is an orphan spirit that I have been agreeing with for at least twenty years. The Lord is showing me how to replace his lies with truths about my adoption into the family of God. (1 Jn. 3:1-3, Eph. 1:4, Gal. 4:14, Ro. 8:15-17, Jn. 1:12, and Jn. 14:18)
As C. Baxter Kruger states in “The Great Dance”, “The risk that the Triune God runs in giving “us” a “real place” in the circle of life is the possibility that we will continue to live from our darkened understanding. The risk is the possibility that we will continue to choose freely, through our confusion, to embrace our legends and bizarre rituals-even the religious ones- and thus throw ourselves into contradiction, into the tear and its unimaginable sadness and misery, indefinitely.” (p. 106)
Kruger also points out the patience and long suffering of the Holy Spirit who doesn’t give up on us. “Over against such confusion-and in, with and through it and its havoc- the Spirit is educating us, suffering with us as he patiently and carefully leads us to the truth as it is in the real Jesus.” (p. 109)
Or as John Eldredge says in “Free to Live”, “You have to ground your life in something more reliable than experience. You begin with the truth, and then it will play itself out in your life.” (P. 102)
So I have reached a higher level of truth in my spiritual journey, and I can see that there are many relationships that need to be healed in my life. I am sure that there are many friendships yet to be made as well.